Day 9 - Meditation

The other day a student asked if I meditate. The truth is I didn’t know how to answer the question. I know what the person meant - Do I sit with my eyes closed in silence? Do I try to empty my mind and stop thinking? We have such an image or definition of what meditation is and I didn’t know how to say that I am always meditating. So I when I got on my mat and I started practicing, I thought I’ll meditate. I did some restoratives (I know shocker!) and some therapeutics for my shoulder (too much baseball with my step-son), and then sat with my eyes closed and meditated (or appeared like I was). I sat for 30 minutes. It was a wonderful time. Honestly, it was peaceful. I had no distractions or interruptions. It was more than anything time to myself for myself. I was contemplative and reflective. There were moments where I simply tried to focus on my breath and nothing else, and then times where I engaged in a thought to see how it might make me (or others) better. My dog meditated with me. I even think he was calmer at the end. But what I realized was that every time I engage in something with my full awareness and mindfulness, I am meditating. And just like yoga, it is not something restricted to a mat or a seat, to a time or a place, but yoga or meditation is everywhere and always. 

Day 8 - Joys

For the first time since starting, I took someone else’s yoga class. I am your reluctant student, mostly because I can’t get comfortable in a class. I can’t just be there as a student. Instead I have my teacher mask on and end up judging the teacher’s performance, as well as the student’s. Perhaps I do this to distract myself (more like protect) from going deep and putting myself out there for others to see. I don’t want to be the “yogi performer” anymore, yet at the same time I still want the recognition of what I can do (except I can’t do what I once did). Usually when I take a class it makes the teacher nervous and the class isn’t that good. I end up annoyed that I took the class, and the cycle of samsara continues. The exception to all that is my wife’s classes. There I feel totally at ease to be myself.

But today was different. I woke up and my wife suggested I go to the studio early and take class. I thought about it - my shoulder/neck was still hurting... maybe not. I was thinking that I’d rather maybe meditate today, but I thought okay I’ll do it. And when I say I am so glad I did, might not be enough. It was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken at the studio. The teacher had grown so much since the last time I took her class. Her voice and comfort level was vastly better. Her sequence, assists and she actually looked like she was having fun. It wasn’t painful but joyful to be in her class. I know she was nervous, but she didn’t appear it at all. I was so happy to be a student in that class. Since she has been my student for so long I simply had joy - joy for her and her growth and success. Sympathetic joy. I truly was elated because she was so good. 

Day 7 - Ideals

The front page of the NY Times Style section today was all about this being the era of niceness. My first reaction was, “How nice.” Is it so out there that we have to announce we are now positive, friendly, even should I dare say - happy? Do we grow up surrounded with such cynicism and negativity by all the adults around us that we think the world is molded like that? Only we leave home, go to college and form our own, new ideals - that we will change the world, join Green Peace, the Peace Corps, work on an organic farm, “think global, act local.” We read, protest and love. We form ideas with passion. But then what? We join the work force and become, “another brick in the wall,” destined to live out a life full of responsibilities so large that our ideals get lost in the pile of bills and die with our mortgage. We get a dose of reality and our ideals are not part of it. They still exist as long, lost hopes that you keep buried in your closet with your other skeletons of the past, hoping one day your kids don’t find them and call you out for being a hypocrite. Isn’t it ironic that our very own taste of freedom that fostered our own ideals and promises is now turning on us to be adults that are molding our children out of fear that we mistake as protection or love, but it’s not our ideals - it’s not in consideration of the freedom we so desired. Perhaps this is samsara, or maybe we’re supposed to perpetuate the pattern only we add to it our own flavors. We flavor this generation, our children to live in love and freedom, in hopes and aspirations, in ideals - in the era of niceness. Wouldn’t that be nice?

One week. I’ve been on my mat for 6 out of 7 days. It’s been good. Discoveries in my body that I haven’t felt for some time. New interests and returned dedications. One week can change a lot, more in your mind and heart than your body, but the body is feeling good (although today I tweaked my shoulder coming out of headstand to see the fox running in our yard). So as I look into week 2 I start asking myself about my other goals and desires. You know that list I eagerly wrote on day when I was so idealistic. 

Day 6 - Confessions

I feel a bit like an addict falling of the wagon, only my AA is Asana Anonymous. I knew the only chance I would have to practice yesterday was if I woke up really early and did it before the kids got up, before taking them to school then teaching back-to back classes and heading off to the golf course to play (an invitation from a friend). By the time I got home at 6:30, I had been gone 11 hours. I was sweaty and hungry. I wanted to spend time with my son and wife and enjoy the mellow night (our first one in 10 days). And so my day’s schedule prevented me from getting on my mat and even writing. Or I can make that my excuse, which any addict will tell you is exactly what they do when slipping up. So yesterday no practice, no writing and in addition, I had a sundae and drank too much wine. So it was a total loss of a day, but aren’t we entitled to play hooky - to have a day off?

When I woke up this morning I felt like I let myself down. I’ve chosen to make a commitment (and part of that is writing each day) and yesterday I chose not to do it. I could have woken up early (like so many who have a job and their only time to practice or meditate is early morning before they go off to work), but I didn’t. I could have done something, anything last night, but I didn’t. I did make the attempt to get on my mat before my first class. But after one forward bend, people started coming in, and I spent too many years practicing in the public for the public that it ruined my sense of practice. So I chose not to go there. This is private time for me and I didn’t want to be on stage. So when I woke this morning to a hangover, soreness in my back from yesterday’s round and a little stuffed up, I thought it would be just as easy to skip my mat. Another day, another excuse. And just like an addict might say, “One day won’t kill me.” Except it is that very attitude that becomes our demise. I can put it off one more day and promise myself, “tomorrow,” except tomorrow comes and the same cycle continues. So today I didn’t let that happen. I willed myself on the mat and turned yesterday’s day off, into just that - one day off, which is fine as long as the next day you get back to it.

I got on my mat. First with Beck. We warmed up together. I love that time with him. But then I put him down for his nap and got on my mat with a real interest and conviction. My first few practices where I followed my DVDs were great because they forced me to be on my mat. It was easier to be led than to do it myself (even though I was following myself - wierd). The other day when I didn’t practice to a DVD it was looser and unfocused, and that then led to my day off and I could see the pattern starting. Today, I got on and got to it. I moved with my breath, with focus and enjoyed it. I looked at and felt subtleties in my body, asymmetries that I hadn’t dealt with the previous practices this week. It was engaging and healing. I did more and kept my focus. It was very satisfying. And now I look forward to tomorrow without feeling like I lost, like I let myself down, like a failure, but rather, I gave myself a day off.

Day 4 - Exceptions

My wife reminded me yesterday that it’s been an exceptional year. I had surgery in March on a rare condition in my leg called popliteal entrapment syndrome, then wound up back in the hospital four weeks later due to pulmonary embolisms. I’ve been fairly immobile this year, and yes, it has been an exceptional year. But that makes me think that it would be too easy to blame everything in life on the exceptions because truth be told, most of life seems like an exception. It’s like learning Spanish and you learn all the verb paradigms and then there are the irregular verbs that you just have to memorize for they don’t connect with the normal paradigms. What seems to happen is that all the irregular verbs are the ones you use the most. Just like your life seems to be a majority of exceptions to your plans or dreams. So I can’t just make my circumstances an excuse. Yes they’re true - so move on, don’t dwell.

I am not the exercise, workout type. My sister is and my wife was. The kind of person who runs, bikes or swims just to get the workout. The gym rat who has to exercise everyday or doesn’t feel good. That is not me. I guess being a hatha yogi and teacher forced me to be a part of the “fitness” world, learn my body and be in my body, but I am no junkie when it comes to working out. In fact I can’t stand gyms or the thought of going on a run or bike ride to get a work out. If I go on a bike ride it’s to get somewhere or have fun, but not to exercise. I guess it’s the same for my mat. I want to get on it to “workout,” but it just never works out that way for me. I get on it because it gets me some where.

I got on my mat today with more excitement and less obligation. Maybe I got on it knowing I wasn’t going to put a DVD in today and that freedom freed me up to breathe more deeply about the whys I’m on it, but at the same time I wasn’t as focused (in the workout sense) and didn’t have the same continuity in my practice like I did the last 3 days. But it was a sweet practice with my 10 month old son who laughed every time I did jumping dogs (jumping from downdog to handstand and back to downdog). I did lunges and standing poses with Beck at the front of my mat. I got off my mat to corral him back to his mat (or my mat). I tried to put him down and nap, set a timer for 10 minutes to move without interruption, only to find 2 minutes later that I couldn’t really practice with him screaming. I’d rather be with him and practice then think I had to “workout.” So it was looser and gentler, but I was on the mat. No regrets. I feel good. And if yoga isn’t about learning to prioritize and make better choices then what is it? I’ve been making my mat a priority, but that hasn’t come at the cost of my family, and never will.

Day 3 - Vanity

Okay, let’s be clear what’s inspiring me most to start this is purely vanity. A lot of you may have met me or remember me as some skinny, little, bendy punk, which I was, but I was also young. My body was still more boyish than manly. But now in my early 30’s (okay enough remarks that I’m not old - I’m not saying I’m old), my body has changed - a lot. I’m no longer that skinny punk that bends at will. I’ve got some mass, in fact 30 pounds more than when I was in my early 20’s. I’m not saying I would trade bodies, because I feel and look healthier than I did back then, but I wouldn’t mind losing a few (if you know what I mean). So more than anything I am motivated for probably the same reason the majority of students who come to class are - to look good.

Now, I’m not saying that I equate yoga as fitness (nor am I saying I don’t). I think yoga as my life is so much more than a good physical physique. If it weren’t for yoga, my mind and heart would be an uncarved block of wood, but with yoga I feel like I am carving my life to be a beautiful piece of art. You won’t hear me say, “I didn’t get to do yoga today,” (referring to not getting on the mat) because I feel every moment of my life I’m doing yoga. But right now, I’m getting on my mat - whether I want to or not because I don’t feel as great in my body, my weight or even my asanas, and that I’d like to change that, and I can.

Day 3, I didn’t want to get on my mat, but I did. I wasn’t as focused, but I still did it. I did my Backbends DVD with some modifications. I felt good, but I notice that I am still engaging with my mat like it is both an obligation (not my desire) and taking away from other things, again I realize those “things” are nothing important but just keeping busy. I will say that the physical transformations I think are starting off as the easiest. Maybe because it happens for a limited period of time under focused conditions, where as speech is always, emotions are hard to keep under control and food is so social. Anyway, I find myself understanding more when my teacher would complain that he didn’t have the same body from when he was 25.

In Honor

I got an email yesterday informing me that Sri K. Pattabhi Jois passed away. He was one of the great Indian yoga teachers of modern time and his physical absence will be greatly missed. He affected my life greatly and thousands, if not millions of other’s lives. I think it is ironic that I find myself starting my challenge of being on the mat, the very discipline that Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga gave me, which Guruji (Pattabhi) inspired in me. He liked to say, “Yoga is 99% practice, and 1% theory.” Here I am back to practicing. I’d like to honor his life and teachings and my practice for the next month to Guruji.