Day 11- Admittance

As I was meditating last night, I began to see the difference between my ideals of commitment and the truths of admittance. I realized that I keep making the mistake to think, “If I only commit,” but last night while meditating it was clear that it wasn’t committing that I need start doing, but rather admitting. I thought I’ve been a pretty committed person all these years, doing my spiritual practice, giving up things that others my age (or not my age) would be indulging in. I had my notions and judgments of how life should be, but what I began to see was that it was all superficial - outward representations of a spiritual life. I mastered the asanas. I could sit and make it look like I was deep in meditation. I spoke the language, kept the company and made myself appear like I was something else - atypical for a Westerner. But in all those attempts, I was never really committed because in all those years I was never truly honest with myself. I never could fully admit to my failures and flaws, to all the ways that I screwed up and continue to do so. I realized that I keep struggling, even right now, to make the commitments because I keep thinking that the commitments are the point, but last night while sitting there I saw that I better start admitting my shit if I really want to make commitments. 

The only thing I think I’ve ever been fully committed to is my wife and our marriage. Everything prior to that I was afraid to be truly honest - to be myself. I wavered in all my relationships, whether they were intimate, friends or even my yoga. I made excuses for everything, being frustrated or angry, blaming others and situations. I covered up so many feelings and experiences with fear to be true, honest, open or vulnerable. I thought I was protecting myself, but I realize I’ve been making barriers between the things I really want for myself and the ways to get there, covering them up with excuse after excuse. 

I sit with all my ideals, but I know that now is my time to start telling my truths. I know in admitting to my flaws that I will be able to make real commitments that, like my marriage, will be lifelong relationships that make me better from the inside out. I am ready to stop pretending and to start admitting.

Day 10 - Tones

I thought the first few days would be the hardest, but I was wrong. My excitement and inspiration propelled me. I figured by the time I got here, to day 10 I thought the doing would have taken over the stalling, but again, I was wrong. I think what I am learning is that while I’ve been on my mat everyday (or nearly), at this point in my life I don’t have the same drive to practice like I once did. But I won’t stop, perhaps if I just keep doing then the passion for it will return, or if not as passion, then at least as routine or habit. I realize all the things I want for myself, whether physical or mental/emotional/spiritual all take work and time. It’s no wonder that “spiritual people” live in ashrams away from the mundane - it’s a full time job to dedicate yourself to the necessary work to become who you want to be.

Getting on my mat is only part of my goals. I realize that it is important for my physical goals, but a discipline diet must follow. This will be my goals starting this weekend. But so many of my other ideals are about me as a person in relationships (with my self, my wife, my children, students, etc). I realize lots of things about me that have contributed to make me successful in what I do, but also need tuning. I was thinking about something a teacher of mine said once when explaining words to me. He said, “words are first experienced as resonance and secondly as meaning.” I didn’t get it at first, just like everything he said to me. But I came to understand - it’s not only what you say that matters, but how you say it. I realize one of my biggest issues is how I say things - my tone.

I have a strong tone, and the same resonance comes out for great joys as well as great anger. I can have all the intention of giving loving, caring advise but the tone feels the same as if I were frustrated or upset. I see that it confuses people, even though I know what I mean. A tone is so interesting. It literally sets the stage. It triggers us viscerally to create an expectation of what’s next. Nothing needs to be intelligible to set the tone. It’s like speaking to the dog. The dog only gets tones not meanings. I want people to get my meanings, but I am afraid my tone gets in the way, or sets them off to hear the wrong meaning of my words. This is a hard for me. All week I’ve been paying attention. What is it? Am I really pissed or frustrated at the world that such a tone brews in me in excess? I’m paying attention, watching it and my goal is to become multi-tonal, rather than monotone. I know my current tone serves a purpose, I just want to create a greater spectrum of tones so I resonate with a richer, warmer array of possibilities. I want to have better range to sing a better world.

Day 9 - Meditation

The other day a student asked if I meditate. The truth is I didn’t know how to answer the question. I know what the person meant - Do I sit with my eyes closed in silence? Do I try to empty my mind and stop thinking? We have such an image or definition of what meditation is and I didn’t know how to say that I am always meditating. So I when I got on my mat and I started practicing, I thought I’ll meditate. I did some restoratives (I know shocker!) and some therapeutics for my shoulder (too much baseball with my step-son), and then sat with my eyes closed and meditated (or appeared like I was). I sat for 30 minutes. It was a wonderful time. Honestly, it was peaceful. I had no distractions or interruptions. It was more than anything time to myself for myself. I was contemplative and reflective. There were moments where I simply tried to focus on my breath and nothing else, and then times where I engaged in a thought to see how it might make me (or others) better. My dog meditated with me. I even think he was calmer at the end. But what I realized was that every time I engage in something with my full awareness and mindfulness, I am meditating. And just like yoga, it is not something restricted to a mat or a seat, to a time or a place, but yoga or meditation is everywhere and always. 

Day 8 - Joys

For the first time since starting, I took someone else’s yoga class. I am your reluctant student, mostly because I can’t get comfortable in a class. I can’t just be there as a student. Instead I have my teacher mask on and end up judging the teacher’s performance, as well as the student’s. Perhaps I do this to distract myself (more like protect) from going deep and putting myself out there for others to see. I don’t want to be the “yogi performer” anymore, yet at the same time I still want the recognition of what I can do (except I can’t do what I once did). Usually when I take a class it makes the teacher nervous and the class isn’t that good. I end up annoyed that I took the class, and the cycle of samsara continues. The exception to all that is my wife’s classes. There I feel totally at ease to be myself.

But today was different. I woke up and my wife suggested I go to the studio early and take class. I thought about it - my shoulder/neck was still hurting... maybe not. I was thinking that I’d rather maybe meditate today, but I thought okay I’ll do it. And when I say I am so glad I did, might not be enough. It was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken at the studio. The teacher had grown so much since the last time I took her class. Her voice and comfort level was vastly better. Her sequence, assists and she actually looked like she was having fun. It wasn’t painful but joyful to be in her class. I know she was nervous, but she didn’t appear it at all. I was so happy to be a student in that class. Since she has been my student for so long I simply had joy - joy for her and her growth and success. Sympathetic joy. I truly was elated because she was so good. 

Day 7 - Ideals

The front page of the NY Times Style section today was all about this being the era of niceness. My first reaction was, “How nice.” Is it so out there that we have to announce we are now positive, friendly, even should I dare say - happy? Do we grow up surrounded with such cynicism and negativity by all the adults around us that we think the world is molded like that? Only we leave home, go to college and form our own, new ideals - that we will change the world, join Green Peace, the Peace Corps, work on an organic farm, “think global, act local.” We read, protest and love. We form ideas with passion. But then what? We join the work force and become, “another brick in the wall,” destined to live out a life full of responsibilities so large that our ideals get lost in the pile of bills and die with our mortgage. We get a dose of reality and our ideals are not part of it. They still exist as long, lost hopes that you keep buried in your closet with your other skeletons of the past, hoping one day your kids don’t find them and call you out for being a hypocrite. Isn’t it ironic that our very own taste of freedom that fostered our own ideals and promises is now turning on us to be adults that are molding our children out of fear that we mistake as protection or love, but it’s not our ideals - it’s not in consideration of the freedom we so desired. Perhaps this is samsara, or maybe we’re supposed to perpetuate the pattern only we add to it our own flavors. We flavor this generation, our children to live in love and freedom, in hopes and aspirations, in ideals - in the era of niceness. Wouldn’t that be nice?

One week. I’ve been on my mat for 6 out of 7 days. It’s been good. Discoveries in my body that I haven’t felt for some time. New interests and returned dedications. One week can change a lot, more in your mind and heart than your body, but the body is feeling good (although today I tweaked my shoulder coming out of headstand to see the fox running in our yard). So as I look into week 2 I start asking myself about my other goals and desires. You know that list I eagerly wrote on day when I was so idealistic. 

Day 6 - Confessions

I feel a bit like an addict falling of the wagon, only my AA is Asana Anonymous. I knew the only chance I would have to practice yesterday was if I woke up really early and did it before the kids got up, before taking them to school then teaching back-to back classes and heading off to the golf course to play (an invitation from a friend). By the time I got home at 6:30, I had been gone 11 hours. I was sweaty and hungry. I wanted to spend time with my son and wife and enjoy the mellow night (our first one in 10 days). And so my day’s schedule prevented me from getting on my mat and even writing. Or I can make that my excuse, which any addict will tell you is exactly what they do when slipping up. So yesterday no practice, no writing and in addition, I had a sundae and drank too much wine. So it was a total loss of a day, but aren’t we entitled to play hooky - to have a day off?

When I woke up this morning I felt like I let myself down. I’ve chosen to make a commitment (and part of that is writing each day) and yesterday I chose not to do it. I could have woken up early (like so many who have a job and their only time to practice or meditate is early morning before they go off to work), but I didn’t. I could have done something, anything last night, but I didn’t. I did make the attempt to get on my mat before my first class. But after one forward bend, people started coming in, and I spent too many years practicing in the public for the public that it ruined my sense of practice. So I chose not to go there. This is private time for me and I didn’t want to be on stage. So when I woke this morning to a hangover, soreness in my back from yesterday’s round and a little stuffed up, I thought it would be just as easy to skip my mat. Another day, another excuse. And just like an addict might say, “One day won’t kill me.” Except it is that very attitude that becomes our demise. I can put it off one more day and promise myself, “tomorrow,” except tomorrow comes and the same cycle continues. So today I didn’t let that happen. I willed myself on the mat and turned yesterday’s day off, into just that - one day off, which is fine as long as the next day you get back to it.

I got on my mat. First with Beck. We warmed up together. I love that time with him. But then I put him down for his nap and got on my mat with a real interest and conviction. My first few practices where I followed my DVDs were great because they forced me to be on my mat. It was easier to be led than to do it myself (even though I was following myself - wierd). The other day when I didn’t practice to a DVD it was looser and unfocused, and that then led to my day off and I could see the pattern starting. Today, I got on and got to it. I moved with my breath, with focus and enjoyed it. I looked at and felt subtleties in my body, asymmetries that I hadn’t dealt with the previous practices this week. It was engaging and healing. I did more and kept my focus. It was very satisfying. And now I look forward to tomorrow without feeling like I lost, like I let myself down, like a failure, but rather, I gave myself a day off.

Day 4 - Exceptions

My wife reminded me yesterday that it’s been an exceptional year. I had surgery in March on a rare condition in my leg called popliteal entrapment syndrome, then wound up back in the hospital four weeks later due to pulmonary embolisms. I’ve been fairly immobile this year, and yes, it has been an exceptional year. But that makes me think that it would be too easy to blame everything in life on the exceptions because truth be told, most of life seems like an exception. It’s like learning Spanish and you learn all the verb paradigms and then there are the irregular verbs that you just have to memorize for they don’t connect with the normal paradigms. What seems to happen is that all the irregular verbs are the ones you use the most. Just like your life seems to be a majority of exceptions to your plans or dreams. So I can’t just make my circumstances an excuse. Yes they’re true - so move on, don’t dwell.

I am not the exercise, workout type. My sister is and my wife was. The kind of person who runs, bikes or swims just to get the workout. The gym rat who has to exercise everyday or doesn’t feel good. That is not me. I guess being a hatha yogi and teacher forced me to be a part of the “fitness” world, learn my body and be in my body, but I am no junkie when it comes to working out. In fact I can’t stand gyms or the thought of going on a run or bike ride to get a work out. If I go on a bike ride it’s to get somewhere or have fun, but not to exercise. I guess it’s the same for my mat. I want to get on it to “workout,” but it just never works out that way for me. I get on it because it gets me some where.

I got on my mat today with more excitement and less obligation. Maybe I got on it knowing I wasn’t going to put a DVD in today and that freedom freed me up to breathe more deeply about the whys I’m on it, but at the same time I wasn’t as focused (in the workout sense) and didn’t have the same continuity in my practice like I did the last 3 days. But it was a sweet practice with my 10 month old son who laughed every time I did jumping dogs (jumping from downdog to handstand and back to downdog). I did lunges and standing poses with Beck at the front of my mat. I got off my mat to corral him back to his mat (or my mat). I tried to put him down and nap, set a timer for 10 minutes to move without interruption, only to find 2 minutes later that I couldn’t really practice with him screaming. I’d rather be with him and practice then think I had to “workout.” So it was looser and gentler, but I was on the mat. No regrets. I feel good. And if yoga isn’t about learning to prioritize and make better choices then what is it? I’ve been making my mat a priority, but that hasn’t come at the cost of my family, and never will.

Day 3 - Vanity

Okay, let’s be clear what’s inspiring me most to start this is purely vanity. A lot of you may have met me or remember me as some skinny, little, bendy punk, which I was, but I was also young. My body was still more boyish than manly. But now in my early 30’s (okay enough remarks that I’m not old - I’m not saying I’m old), my body has changed - a lot. I’m no longer that skinny punk that bends at will. I’ve got some mass, in fact 30 pounds more than when I was in my early 20’s. I’m not saying I would trade bodies, because I feel and look healthier than I did back then, but I wouldn’t mind losing a few (if you know what I mean). So more than anything I am motivated for probably the same reason the majority of students who come to class are - to look good.

Now, I’m not saying that I equate yoga as fitness (nor am I saying I don’t). I think yoga as my life is so much more than a good physical physique. If it weren’t for yoga, my mind and heart would be an uncarved block of wood, but with yoga I feel like I am carving my life to be a beautiful piece of art. You won’t hear me say, “I didn’t get to do yoga today,” (referring to not getting on the mat) because I feel every moment of my life I’m doing yoga. But right now, I’m getting on my mat - whether I want to or not because I don’t feel as great in my body, my weight or even my asanas, and that I’d like to change that, and I can.

Day 3, I didn’t want to get on my mat, but I did. I wasn’t as focused, but I still did it. I did my Backbends DVD with some modifications. I felt good, but I notice that I am still engaging with my mat like it is both an obligation (not my desire) and taking away from other things, again I realize those “things” are nothing important but just keeping busy. I will say that the physical transformations I think are starting off as the easiest. Maybe because it happens for a limited period of time under focused conditions, where as speech is always, emotions are hard to keep under control and food is so social. Anyway, I find myself understanding more when my teacher would complain that he didn’t have the same body from when he was 25.

In Honor

I got an email yesterday informing me that Sri K. Pattabhi Jois passed away. He was one of the great Indian yoga teachers of modern time and his physical absence will be greatly missed. He affected my life greatly and thousands, if not millions of other’s lives. I think it is ironic that I find myself starting my challenge of being on the mat, the very discipline that Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga gave me, which Guruji (Pattabhi) inspired in me. He liked to say, “Yoga is 99% practice, and 1% theory.” Here I am back to practicing. I’d like to honor his life and teachings and my practice for the next month to Guruji.                                           

 

Day 2 - Still Committed

We woke this morning to find that one of our cars was broken into last night (well not quite broken into, since the doors were unlocked), and both of our ipods were stolen from the center console. Of course this is noticed when my wife is rushing to get out the door and drive the boys to school and I am with the baby. I can’t do anything, but react, and my first reaction was blame, anger. Why would I immediately blame my wife? It’s not like she put a huge sign on the back of the car that read “ipods inside car, take them.” Did I learn to react like that? Maybe I a mimicking my step-father’s response to things gone wrong - to always find the blame on someone else. Or was it my own issues with trust, since I have had ipods stolen before and don’t trust that things outside my own care will be handled properly? Well, the good news is I quickly moved through all that emotion. It was brief.

With all that brewing, I put the baby down (thankfully he was tired and ready for his nap) and got my mat out. My wife called to talk about the theft. What was there to talk about? Unfortunately, I was more rude than compassionate and said, “I had to get off the phone. I want to practice.” Two days ago, I would of stayed on the phone. I would of talked to keep busy. I find this the worst feature of cell phones, we use them to just keep busy. I always find myself calling someone just to talk when I am driving and I realize that I may be home and my wife calls me when she’s driving. Instead of doing things I talk, gossip, have good ideas, get pissed, fall more in-love. The spectrum of possibilities is immense, but what I’m not doing is being productive. So, I’m off the phone and on my mat.

A million reasons not to be on my mat. I’m stiff. I have a sore throat. I have emails. I have phone calls. I have to shower. I have to eat. The recycling needs to get out to the curb, and of course, the baby is sleeping which means I could do all of those things. But I resist. I stay on my mat. I put in my Leg Conditioning DVD. I breathe, stay focused and move. My body starts warming up. I’m sweating. I feel looser in my legs and back. I feel good. No I feel great! I finish and sit for a few minutes and think about everything. My own habits and how hard they are to shift. 

I get off my mat and realize that I didn’t have less time, but I made more time. My mat is the place where I become more efficient, more energized, more capable of doing everything else in my day. I finished and did the recycling, took my shower, ate, emailed and wrote this all before the baby woke-up. I have to remember that there is time for everything if I make the time.

Day 1 - Commitments

As I approach my 15 years of practicing and 14 years of teaching, I’m looking back with a sense of curiosity - Do I still have the same discipline I did back then? Surely, my life is much different. I a married with a family and a career, where as then I was 19/20, living at my parent’s with no bills or responsibilities. Okay, so being a 19 year old male yogi wasn’t quite the trend back then, but I chose sobriety, veganism, and of course my practice. My practice was everything and I defined yoga by the accomplishments on the mat. I would even say I was a fundamentalist when it came to asana. I had such will power and determination to wake every morning between 4 and 6 and practice and meditate (I found seated meditation the most challenging commitment I made, and even though I did half a dozen 10-day meditation courses in 2 years, I still struggled on my own to sit for an hour or two a day). But now, here I am wondering do I still have that discipline to get up, to get on my mat, to keep the commitment that I desire?

So Day 1 of my discipline to get on my mat and practice like I once did, to give it the time of day. What I have realized in creating this challenge for myself is so many other things that I want to commit to that I once valued or could do. So here’s my list so far: I want to practice asana, have a seated meditation, examine my use of language (no cursing, tone of my voice like yelling), look at anger and patience, diet, alcohol, and mostly following through. Getting inspired is not my issue, but maintaining the inspiration is. At one time I was so disciplined (to what I might now think was to a fault), but now with my life I almost find it is easier to keep the status qua than change with a family (2 step-sons 12 & 9, and my own son who is 10 months), my wife’s yoga studio and my own traveling schedule. But I don’t want to think that as my views of yoga have grown and developed and I feel much healthier, that I have also lost a huge part of what yoga means to me and my ability to empower myself at will to keep a challenge. So Day 1.

After dropping the boys at school, coming home and putting the baby down for a nap, instead of taking my time procrastinating on the computer, eating and drinking coffee, I immediately got my Abs & Arms DVD out and did it. Is it narcissistic of me to do my own class (maybe, but no more than blogging - okay a whole other blog right there)? It was great to be in my breath, focused and moving. My wife put her mat down and joined me and instead of talking, which would of been so easy to do, I resisted and kept breathing and maintained my focus. The practice was great! And now to my other commitments - no swearing on the golf course today.