Day 25 - Reflecting

I was talking to an old friend one day while shopping at Home Depot (yes, I’m the kind of person who shops, the way my wife might at Barneys, at Home Depot). Anyway I realize that I was fishing to make trouble, you know asking around so that she would agree with me and we could rant about that event or person. In other words I wanted to gossip. Of course when she (out of my surprise) didn’t confirm the same feelings as me, I decided to go off on whoever the person was we were talking about. After my rant, she went off on me. It shocked me, and I was left speechless, just listening. I decided I was not going to interrupt or get defensive, but I would hear what she was saying. I did and I remember to this day what she said that I was the one not doing yoga, not being reflective.

I would lie if I said it didn’t sting. I would also lie if I didn’t hang up and think, “Me, I’m the one who’s not reflective, not doing yoga? What about all of you?” But there was truth in what she said. There had to have been, it was after all people’s opinions about me and my actions. If they were hurt by my actions then I would say I was equally hurt by theirs. But what does that do for me or anyone? It’s just like the need to gossip or put someone down for the sake of confirming your own actions, feelings or success. There was a time in my life when I was so good at turning the conversation against someone and then keeping the company who all agreed. All that we did was confirm all of our fear, anger, anxiety and unhappiness. It worked for a moment, like a drug to forget or escape your own misery, but it wore off and then you had to do it again. So I decided it was time for me to release that pattern and all those feelings that I was holding on to and that were being held on to about me apparently by others. I thought it was unfair that your life choices couldn’t be yours, but I understand that my choices aren’t just mine because they do affect others. It seems unfair, but I would much rather live a life where what I do means something to someone else, rather than live a life where my actions have no meaning other than for myself. But I never really did do anything to make amends, so here it goes:

To all of you who know who you are, I want to say that you all hold very dear places in my heart. I think of you and remember beautiful and fun times, transformational and educational experiences. I hold great respect for your commitments to a path that is not easy nor popular, and I hold great gratitude for the support you gave me. My life would not be what it is now without all of you. I am sorry if my actions affected you, they were done out of necessity and desire. I had to move for my own sake, for the health of my heart and those near me. I was getting toxic and poisonous to those in my vicinity. It was not what I desired and I knew that I wasn’t doing my yoga. I moved on not because you did anything wrong, but because I had to for me. I was taught to follow your heart and when you do it will make the people around you better. I hope, even in my absence, that you all are better because I am following my heart.

Day 24 - Searching

The day started with Beck playing his favorite game - take the cable card out of the cable box. Usually I’m right on top of him and grab it from him, but today I had put in a new Baby Einstein DVD and left him to make my playlist for this morning (well not exactly left him, I was sitting 5 feet from him). My playlist was called “gone missing,” which was exactly what happened to it right as I completed it. I thought I was erasing one song, but instead erased the whole playlist. Oh well, that’s what I get for naming a playlist “gone missing.” I reconstructed the playlist, but the cable card was still gone. All day long, no cable card. Where did he put it? Where did it go?

All I could think of all day is how much time we spend looking for things including, and maybe most importantly, the moment when, of course, it is there all the time - right in front of us, inside us and all around us. I kept looking for the card all day long, until I realized that the looking became the point, not the finding. At that point I stopped making finding the card the point and just enjoyed the search. Still haven’t found it, but I guess the searching is the point (or is that to get the point). 

Day 23 - Innovative

In turning my perspective to the other side, I figured I would start in the place where I was taught to “look for the good.” The idea of these posts is to compliment, but not just for the sake of being nice, but rather to be genuine. I always say to the teachers I train, “Don’t just hand out compliments to be nice, but give it to them because the deserve it.” So my exercise right now is to look into my soul and see the real good.

John Friend is one of my greatest teachers of all time. He is one of the great innovators of yoga and I was fortunate enough to be a product of his innovations. His skill and insight helped shaped me into the person I am today. He taught me more about yoga, asana, meditation, pranayama and the business of yoga than anyone else I have ever had as a teacher. He mentored me like I was his little brother with love and care. John is a master orator, practitioner and visionary. His magnanimous, charismatic, quite frankly, contagious (in a good way). He draws you in to believe in yourself and life. His energy is powerful. When you are near him, you don’t want to leave him. So, today I celebrate John for being one of this world’s greatest yogis in all aspects of what yoga is - physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Thank you John.

Day 22 - Beginnings

First, thank you for your comments and great support to my last blog. I’ve made it a commitment to just be honest, and the internal response is an unbelievable spaciousness. To put my feelings out there into the world for anyone to take is not doubt scary, but more I’m giving them away and it is that that is so liberating. I remember my one of my teachers always saying the things that are most valuable to us are essentially the things we give away (think of a father giving away his daughter in marriage). The feelings and experiences that I share are truly meaningful to me, whether they are holding me back or pushing me forward, I covet them. But now I am giving them away as the richest part of myself. Scary or not I feel like I have to, but more I want to. I know there are many other things to myself that I can improve upon, after all we all can (so I’m not alone in that), and I will continue to process and grow. But now I am ready for new beginnings which have already been happening, only I’m now ready to step into that fully. My new beginnings start with the idea of each day looking to celebrate someone else. I want to shift my perspective of the yoga culture that was tainted by my previous experiences. I want to see the gifts of everyone and their strengths, beauty and offerings that they supply to so many. After finally getting my deepest feelings of failure, envy and anger out of me (well out there at least), I have the space to bring in the gifts of others. So here I go. 

I bought my friend David Romanelli’s new book yesterday, Yeah Dave’s Guide To Livin’ The Moment, (http://www.yeahdave.com). David is a teacher in Santa Monica. I guy I met one year in Tucson while assisting one of John’s workshops. I remember him because I was told he was an owner/founder of At One Yoga, the largest set of studios in the Phoenix/Scottsdale area. That of course impressed me and so I felt the need to both give him attention and check him out. Did he stand up to his title? That was me back then, young and dumb enough to think that your physical practice said everything about you. Dave’s practice was fine, but not “owner of large, successful studio” worthy. So I dismissed his capabilities, which meant I just dismissed him and put him with the long list of others who I deemed similar to Dave. Of course throughout the years I heard of Dave and his Yoga + Chocolate workshops. Jealousy is a terrible emotion because instead of thinking, “that’s cool,” “I thought how’s that yoga?” 

Fast forward... In January I was back in LA. I was now older and I wish I could say wiser, but I had gone through my reincarnations. I was forging my new relationships and new identity. I was in LA co-leading a teacher training. I thought I would check out some yoga in Santa Monica, but my cynical yoga mind was still too strong (remember it was only a few days ago I gave away my feelings, so cut me some slack!). My wife’s best friend said she was going to Dave’s class and why don’t we meet her there. I thought “Okay, I know Dave.” It probably wouldn’t have been my first choice, but I like the person he is. So off we went. It was a fine asana class, and his music rocked as did his pre-inaugural message. At one point though I thought, “He’s more like a DJ then yoga teacher.” We talked a little before and after class. It was really nice to reconnect. He new of my happenings and wanted to get the inside story to my experiences. You know, what did the Kool-Aid taste like? Why did I spit it out? Stuff like that. 

Just yesterday I decided to give his book a chance and in doing so I’ve opened up to a tremendous amount of appreciation, admiration and love for Dave. It is a great book of honesty, humor and powerful teaching from a guy who is very intelligent, compassionate and experienced. He’s a real guy doing his best and in reading his book I would like to call him not just a friend, but a teacher for me. So here’s my big shout out to “Yeah Dave,” and my big lesson that if I go in with an open mind then I might just find out what it means to really participate and share in this world.

Day 20 - Erased

After my last blog, I’ve been thinking. Thinking about what I wrote and if it were true. What do I have to start admitting to? So I got on my mat, my meditation cushion, my car seat, basically anywhere where I could think, be and possibly discover. I’ve gone through a list, but today as I sat down to go through some emails, which led me to one website then another, checking curiously at people I once taught, it dawned on me what has hurt me so much. For years I was celebrated in a community as a leading teacher. Circumstances played out and relationships slowly fell apart. I harbored anger for a long time over my teachers. To me they seemed one way for so long and then, poof, all of sudden they were strangers, both in their actions and in my mere absence or abolishment in their lives (and my life too). It’s not fair to lay blame solely on them. I had my issues and my ideals, and ultimately it was I who pulled away. I was frustrated and wanted more and they weren’t giving it. Disagreements led into arguments, until finally the choice was made for me to resign and leave it all behind. But that final decision was made years after the decision that really set it all in motion.

In 2005 I broke off my engagement with my fiance. But when I broke off the engagement I ended up breaking off so much more. I broke off people whom I thought were meaningful relationships, friends, students and of course teachers. The simple fact is they chose her. I never wanted to admit that. I never wanted to think that my success as a teacher was dependent on her presence. I never wanted to be her shadow, that when it came down to it if she wasn’t next to me then I wasn’t as desired, and yet she was just as, if not more, desired without me. It killed me to know that in our post relationship careers, she was chosen by Yoga Journal as one of the next generations of teachers under 40. That she wrote articles and modeled for Yoga Journal. That she was teaching in all the conferences. That she had an internationally booked scheduled, while I was struggling to fill a workshop. I couldn’t admit that I wasn’t the person that I thought I was to all those people. And today, while reading up on a “once upon a time” student her bio says that since 2003 she has been devoting a week retreat with my ex, even though we co-taught those retreats (at least 2 of the years). I realized that I have been erased.

But don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade anything. It may have taken me awhile to process and move through my angers, frustrations and feelings of inadequacy, but I have the life I want right now. Finally, I feel free from any lingering doubts about my own abilities to achieve on my own, and that now I have forged new relationships that are about me and what I am/can offer. I feel that I not only do yoga more deeply, but I live it and teach it more authentically as the union of my experiences and teachers from all aspects of my life. It has been an incredibly liberating feeling that has empowered me greatly and helps me recognize my successes is in my honesty, my wife, my child, my family and all the wonderful relationships I keep on a regular, daily basis. I may be erased from some, but I have never been more complete to me.