As I was meditating last night, I began to see the difference between my ideals of commitment and the truths of admittance. I realized that I keep making the mistake to think, “If I only commit,” but last night while meditating it was clear that it wasn’t committing that I need start doing, but rather admitting. I thought I’ve been a pretty committed person all these years, doing my spiritual practice, giving up things that others my age (or not my age) would be indulging in. I had my notions and judgments of how life should be, but what I began to see was that it was all superficial - outward representations of a spiritual life. I mastered the asanas. I could sit and make it look like I was deep in meditation. I spoke the language, kept the company and made myself appear like I was something else - atypical for a Westerner. But in all those attempts, I was never really committed because in all those years I was never truly honest with myself. I never could fully admit to my failures and flaws, to all the ways that I screwed up and continue to do so. I realized that I keep struggling, even right now, to make the commitments because I keep thinking that the commitments are the point, but last night while sitting there I saw that I better start admitting my shit if I really want to make commitments.
The only thing I think I’ve ever been fully committed to is my wife and our marriage. Everything prior to that I was afraid to be truly honest - to be myself. I wavered in all my relationships, whether they were intimate, friends or even my yoga. I made excuses for everything, being frustrated or angry, blaming others and situations. I covered up so many feelings and experiences with fear to be true, honest, open or vulnerable. I thought I was protecting myself, but I realize I’ve been making barriers between the things I really want for myself and the ways to get there, covering them up with excuse after excuse.
I sit with all my ideals, but I know that now is my time to start telling my truths. I know in admitting to my flaws that I will be able to make real commitments that, like my marriage, will be lifelong relationships that make me better from the inside out. I am ready to stop pretending and to start admitting.
2 comments:
Something that he helped me in the issue you address, is the realization that dome of the very best opportunities to see my issues (which are most often hidden from my awareness - in the shadow) is my own reaction to others. What I mean is when I have a big reaction to another's behavior, this is most likely a mirror to my own issue. If I become angry because I see untrustworthy behavior in someone else - boom! How am I untrustworthy. It would just be data ("she's mistaken" but instead I have all this juice - so what is this over-reaction about? It is my own stuff, up in my face; the parts of me I repress and deny.
I don't know if this is your truth, but it has been helpful to me. I am thankful for all the opportunities I am given by others to become aware of my own issues.
Pat Quinn
practicaldharma.net
Hi Mitchel,
Thank you for the generous music gift! I am enjoying it!
Saturday morning's class was incredibly spiritual for me. I don't know what it was specifically but it may also be where I am in my spiritual walk and life.
I also completely agree with your blog about marriage and commitment. Marriage is a beautiful opportunity to be cleansed from the inside out. As we commit to the relationship and safety to change and grow, we become better, more holy people.
Love and blessings to you and your family!
Laura
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