Day 20 - Erased

After my last blog, I’ve been thinking. Thinking about what I wrote and if it were true. What do I have to start admitting to? So I got on my mat, my meditation cushion, my car seat, basically anywhere where I could think, be and possibly discover. I’ve gone through a list, but today as I sat down to go through some emails, which led me to one website then another, checking curiously at people I once taught, it dawned on me what has hurt me so much. For years I was celebrated in a community as a leading teacher. Circumstances played out and relationships slowly fell apart. I harbored anger for a long time over my teachers. To me they seemed one way for so long and then, poof, all of sudden they were strangers, both in their actions and in my mere absence or abolishment in their lives (and my life too). It’s not fair to lay blame solely on them. I had my issues and my ideals, and ultimately it was I who pulled away. I was frustrated and wanted more and they weren’t giving it. Disagreements led into arguments, until finally the choice was made for me to resign and leave it all behind. But that final decision was made years after the decision that really set it all in motion.

In 2005 I broke off my engagement with my fiance. But when I broke off the engagement I ended up breaking off so much more. I broke off people whom I thought were meaningful relationships, friends, students and of course teachers. The simple fact is they chose her. I never wanted to admit that. I never wanted to think that my success as a teacher was dependent on her presence. I never wanted to be her shadow, that when it came down to it if she wasn’t next to me then I wasn’t as desired, and yet she was just as, if not more, desired without me. It killed me to know that in our post relationship careers, she was chosen by Yoga Journal as one of the next generations of teachers under 40. That she wrote articles and modeled for Yoga Journal. That she was teaching in all the conferences. That she had an internationally booked scheduled, while I was struggling to fill a workshop. I couldn’t admit that I wasn’t the person that I thought I was to all those people. And today, while reading up on a “once upon a time” student her bio says that since 2003 she has been devoting a week retreat with my ex, even though we co-taught those retreats (at least 2 of the years). I realized that I have been erased.

But don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade anything. It may have taken me awhile to process and move through my angers, frustrations and feelings of inadequacy, but I have the life I want right now. Finally, I feel free from any lingering doubts about my own abilities to achieve on my own, and that now I have forged new relationships that are about me and what I am/can offer. I feel that I not only do yoga more deeply, but I live it and teach it more authentically as the union of my experiences and teachers from all aspects of my life. It has been an incredibly liberating feeling that has empowered me greatly and helps me recognize my successes is in my honesty, my wife, my child, my family and all the wonderful relationships I keep on a regular, daily basis. I may be erased from some, but I have never been more complete to me.