Day 20 - Erased

After my last blog, I’ve been thinking. Thinking about what I wrote and if it were true. What do I have to start admitting to? So I got on my mat, my meditation cushion, my car seat, basically anywhere where I could think, be and possibly discover. I’ve gone through a list, but today as I sat down to go through some emails, which led me to one website then another, checking curiously at people I once taught, it dawned on me what has hurt me so much. For years I was celebrated in a community as a leading teacher. Circumstances played out and relationships slowly fell apart. I harbored anger for a long time over my teachers. To me they seemed one way for so long and then, poof, all of sudden they were strangers, both in their actions and in my mere absence or abolishment in their lives (and my life too). It’s not fair to lay blame solely on them. I had my issues and my ideals, and ultimately it was I who pulled away. I was frustrated and wanted more and they weren’t giving it. Disagreements led into arguments, until finally the choice was made for me to resign and leave it all behind. But that final decision was made years after the decision that really set it all in motion.

In 2005 I broke off my engagement with my fiance. But when I broke off the engagement I ended up breaking off so much more. I broke off people whom I thought were meaningful relationships, friends, students and of course teachers. The simple fact is they chose her. I never wanted to admit that. I never wanted to think that my success as a teacher was dependent on her presence. I never wanted to be her shadow, that when it came down to it if she wasn’t next to me then I wasn’t as desired, and yet she was just as, if not more, desired without me. It killed me to know that in our post relationship careers, she was chosen by Yoga Journal as one of the next generations of teachers under 40. That she wrote articles and modeled for Yoga Journal. That she was teaching in all the conferences. That she had an internationally booked scheduled, while I was struggling to fill a workshop. I couldn’t admit that I wasn’t the person that I thought I was to all those people. And today, while reading up on a “once upon a time” student her bio says that since 2003 she has been devoting a week retreat with my ex, even though we co-taught those retreats (at least 2 of the years). I realized that I have been erased.

But don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t trade anything. It may have taken me awhile to process and move through my angers, frustrations and feelings of inadequacy, but I have the life I want right now. Finally, I feel free from any lingering doubts about my own abilities to achieve on my own, and that now I have forged new relationships that are about me and what I am/can offer. I feel that I not only do yoga more deeply, but I live it and teach it more authentically as the union of my experiences and teachers from all aspects of my life. It has been an incredibly liberating feeling that has empowered me greatly and helps me recognize my successes is in my honesty, my wife, my child, my family and all the wonderful relationships I keep on a regular, daily basis. I may be erased from some, but I have never been more complete to me.

Day 11- Admittance

As I was meditating last night, I began to see the difference between my ideals of commitment and the truths of admittance. I realized that I keep making the mistake to think, “If I only commit,” but last night while meditating it was clear that it wasn’t committing that I need start doing, but rather admitting. I thought I’ve been a pretty committed person all these years, doing my spiritual practice, giving up things that others my age (or not my age) would be indulging in. I had my notions and judgments of how life should be, but what I began to see was that it was all superficial - outward representations of a spiritual life. I mastered the asanas. I could sit and make it look like I was deep in meditation. I spoke the language, kept the company and made myself appear like I was something else - atypical for a Westerner. But in all those attempts, I was never really committed because in all those years I was never truly honest with myself. I never could fully admit to my failures and flaws, to all the ways that I screwed up and continue to do so. I realized that I keep struggling, even right now, to make the commitments because I keep thinking that the commitments are the point, but last night while sitting there I saw that I better start admitting my shit if I really want to make commitments. 

The only thing I think I’ve ever been fully committed to is my wife and our marriage. Everything prior to that I was afraid to be truly honest - to be myself. I wavered in all my relationships, whether they were intimate, friends or even my yoga. I made excuses for everything, being frustrated or angry, blaming others and situations. I covered up so many feelings and experiences with fear to be true, honest, open or vulnerable. I thought I was protecting myself, but I realize I’ve been making barriers between the things I really want for myself and the ways to get there, covering them up with excuse after excuse. 

I sit with all my ideals, but I know that now is my time to start telling my truths. I know in admitting to my flaws that I will be able to make real commitments that, like my marriage, will be lifelong relationships that make me better from the inside out. I am ready to stop pretending and to start admitting.

Day 10 - Tones

I thought the first few days would be the hardest, but I was wrong. My excitement and inspiration propelled me. I figured by the time I got here, to day 10 I thought the doing would have taken over the stalling, but again, I was wrong. I think what I am learning is that while I’ve been on my mat everyday (or nearly), at this point in my life I don’t have the same drive to practice like I once did. But I won’t stop, perhaps if I just keep doing then the passion for it will return, or if not as passion, then at least as routine or habit. I realize all the things I want for myself, whether physical or mental/emotional/spiritual all take work and time. It’s no wonder that “spiritual people” live in ashrams away from the mundane - it’s a full time job to dedicate yourself to the necessary work to become who you want to be.

Getting on my mat is only part of my goals. I realize that it is important for my physical goals, but a discipline diet must follow. This will be my goals starting this weekend. But so many of my other ideals are about me as a person in relationships (with my self, my wife, my children, students, etc). I realize lots of things about me that have contributed to make me successful in what I do, but also need tuning. I was thinking about something a teacher of mine said once when explaining words to me. He said, “words are first experienced as resonance and secondly as meaning.” I didn’t get it at first, just like everything he said to me. But I came to understand - it’s not only what you say that matters, but how you say it. I realize one of my biggest issues is how I say things - my tone.

I have a strong tone, and the same resonance comes out for great joys as well as great anger. I can have all the intention of giving loving, caring advise but the tone feels the same as if I were frustrated or upset. I see that it confuses people, even though I know what I mean. A tone is so interesting. It literally sets the stage. It triggers us viscerally to create an expectation of what’s next. Nothing needs to be intelligible to set the tone. It’s like speaking to the dog. The dog only gets tones not meanings. I want people to get my meanings, but I am afraid my tone gets in the way, or sets them off to hear the wrong meaning of my words. This is a hard for me. All week I’ve been paying attention. What is it? Am I really pissed or frustrated at the world that such a tone brews in me in excess? I’m paying attention, watching it and my goal is to become multi-tonal, rather than monotone. I know my current tone serves a purpose, I just want to create a greater spectrum of tones so I resonate with a richer, warmer array of possibilities. I want to have better range to sing a better world.

Day 9 - Meditation

The other day a student asked if I meditate. The truth is I didn’t know how to answer the question. I know what the person meant - Do I sit with my eyes closed in silence? Do I try to empty my mind and stop thinking? We have such an image or definition of what meditation is and I didn’t know how to say that I am always meditating. So I when I got on my mat and I started practicing, I thought I’ll meditate. I did some restoratives (I know shocker!) and some therapeutics for my shoulder (too much baseball with my step-son), and then sat with my eyes closed and meditated (or appeared like I was). I sat for 30 minutes. It was a wonderful time. Honestly, it was peaceful. I had no distractions or interruptions. It was more than anything time to myself for myself. I was contemplative and reflective. There were moments where I simply tried to focus on my breath and nothing else, and then times where I engaged in a thought to see how it might make me (or others) better. My dog meditated with me. I even think he was calmer at the end. But what I realized was that every time I engage in something with my full awareness and mindfulness, I am meditating. And just like yoga, it is not something restricted to a mat or a seat, to a time or a place, but yoga or meditation is everywhere and always. 

Day 8 - Joys

For the first time since starting, I took someone else’s yoga class. I am your reluctant student, mostly because I can’t get comfortable in a class. I can’t just be there as a student. Instead I have my teacher mask on and end up judging the teacher’s performance, as well as the student’s. Perhaps I do this to distract myself (more like protect) from going deep and putting myself out there for others to see. I don’t want to be the “yogi performer” anymore, yet at the same time I still want the recognition of what I can do (except I can’t do what I once did). Usually when I take a class it makes the teacher nervous and the class isn’t that good. I end up annoyed that I took the class, and the cycle of samsara continues. The exception to all that is my wife’s classes. There I feel totally at ease to be myself.

But today was different. I woke up and my wife suggested I go to the studio early and take class. I thought about it - my shoulder/neck was still hurting... maybe not. I was thinking that I’d rather maybe meditate today, but I thought okay I’ll do it. And when I say I am so glad I did, might not be enough. It was one of the best classes I’ve ever taken at the studio. The teacher had grown so much since the last time I took her class. Her voice and comfort level was vastly better. Her sequence, assists and she actually looked like she was having fun. It wasn’t painful but joyful to be in her class. I know she was nervous, but she didn’t appear it at all. I was so happy to be a student in that class. Since she has been my student for so long I simply had joy - joy for her and her growth and success. Sympathetic joy. I truly was elated because she was so good. 

Day 7 - Ideals

The front page of the NY Times Style section today was all about this being the era of niceness. My first reaction was, “How nice.” Is it so out there that we have to announce we are now positive, friendly, even should I dare say - happy? Do we grow up surrounded with such cynicism and negativity by all the adults around us that we think the world is molded like that? Only we leave home, go to college and form our own, new ideals - that we will change the world, join Green Peace, the Peace Corps, work on an organic farm, “think global, act local.” We read, protest and love. We form ideas with passion. But then what? We join the work force and become, “another brick in the wall,” destined to live out a life full of responsibilities so large that our ideals get lost in the pile of bills and die with our mortgage. We get a dose of reality and our ideals are not part of it. They still exist as long, lost hopes that you keep buried in your closet with your other skeletons of the past, hoping one day your kids don’t find them and call you out for being a hypocrite. Isn’t it ironic that our very own taste of freedom that fostered our own ideals and promises is now turning on us to be adults that are molding our children out of fear that we mistake as protection or love, but it’s not our ideals - it’s not in consideration of the freedom we so desired. Perhaps this is samsara, or maybe we’re supposed to perpetuate the pattern only we add to it our own flavors. We flavor this generation, our children to live in love and freedom, in hopes and aspirations, in ideals - in the era of niceness. Wouldn’t that be nice?

One week. I’ve been on my mat for 6 out of 7 days. It’s been good. Discoveries in my body that I haven’t felt for some time. New interests and returned dedications. One week can change a lot, more in your mind and heart than your body, but the body is feeling good (although today I tweaked my shoulder coming out of headstand to see the fox running in our yard). So as I look into week 2 I start asking myself about my other goals and desires. You know that list I eagerly wrote on day when I was so idealistic. 

Day 6 - Confessions

I feel a bit like an addict falling of the wagon, only my AA is Asana Anonymous. I knew the only chance I would have to practice yesterday was if I woke up really early and did it before the kids got up, before taking them to school then teaching back-to back classes and heading off to the golf course to play (an invitation from a friend). By the time I got home at 6:30, I had been gone 11 hours. I was sweaty and hungry. I wanted to spend time with my son and wife and enjoy the mellow night (our first one in 10 days). And so my day’s schedule prevented me from getting on my mat and even writing. Or I can make that my excuse, which any addict will tell you is exactly what they do when slipping up. So yesterday no practice, no writing and in addition, I had a sundae and drank too much wine. So it was a total loss of a day, but aren’t we entitled to play hooky - to have a day off?

When I woke up this morning I felt like I let myself down. I’ve chosen to make a commitment (and part of that is writing each day) and yesterday I chose not to do it. I could have woken up early (like so many who have a job and their only time to practice or meditate is early morning before they go off to work), but I didn’t. I could have done something, anything last night, but I didn’t. I did make the attempt to get on my mat before my first class. But after one forward bend, people started coming in, and I spent too many years practicing in the public for the public that it ruined my sense of practice. So I chose not to go there. This is private time for me and I didn’t want to be on stage. So when I woke this morning to a hangover, soreness in my back from yesterday’s round and a little stuffed up, I thought it would be just as easy to skip my mat. Another day, another excuse. And just like an addict might say, “One day won’t kill me.” Except it is that very attitude that becomes our demise. I can put it off one more day and promise myself, “tomorrow,” except tomorrow comes and the same cycle continues. So today I didn’t let that happen. I willed myself on the mat and turned yesterday’s day off, into just that - one day off, which is fine as long as the next day you get back to it.

I got on my mat. First with Beck. We warmed up together. I love that time with him. But then I put him down for his nap and got on my mat with a real interest and conviction. My first few practices where I followed my DVDs were great because they forced me to be on my mat. It was easier to be led than to do it myself (even though I was following myself - wierd). The other day when I didn’t practice to a DVD it was looser and unfocused, and that then led to my day off and I could see the pattern starting. Today, I got on and got to it. I moved with my breath, with focus and enjoyed it. I looked at and felt subtleties in my body, asymmetries that I hadn’t dealt with the previous practices this week. It was engaging and healing. I did more and kept my focus. It was very satisfying. And now I look forward to tomorrow without feeling like I lost, like I let myself down, like a failure, but rather, I gave myself a day off.